Do I Want to be Happy?
This question is a daily one for me. It's a struggle. Of course, I want to be happy. Right? It's the end goal. Or, at least, it should be. But every time that I'm on the cusp of feeling joy, the fear of embracing it shuts me down. Whether it's turning down an opportunity or pushing someone away. See, I did everything right. I met the boy. I fell in love. I went to college. I got married. I waited. I had a baby. I was a good wife. I was a good mom. I did all the "right" things. And yet, it still fell apart. My life still didn't go the way that I always knew it would. People always ask me. Didn't you see it coming? No, friend. I sure didn't. Never in a million years could I have imagined it.
But it happened. And I survived. I'd like to say I actually thrived, but even typing that puts my stomach in knots. You know why? Because that fear of feeling happiness and success and joy.. it comes from not wanting to let go. If I become happy now, I'm scared that that somehow discounts what happened. That it somehow says that my husband walking out was OK. That it was what was "meant to be". And, y'all.. that pisses me off. Because it's not OK. It's not how my life was supposed to go. But, the truth that I am coming to realize is that it *was* meant to be. Had to be, right? How else would I get through the day? This is where I'm supposed to be. I'm supposed to be happy. And for the first time in a long time, I want to be happy. How freeing is that?
Forgive the people (or don't), date the guy (or girl), buy the chairs(have you seen my chairs?), take the job, travel the world. It's not going to make the tragedies in our life any "less". But I do think it will make them mean something. That light is going to be even brighter because of the darkness in the tunnel. Because we only get one life. This is it. Let's not waste it on wondering what went wrong or trying to make peace with why our lives didn't turn out like we thought they would. Because while that might preserve the story that we want everyone to remember, it does nobody any good. They've moved on. They're going to be happy. And sister, it's our time. Let it go. Let it roll right off your back from being so heavy on your weary shoulders. Be the badass of your own story. One with a very happy ending.